No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
