Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
