i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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