Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
