I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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