you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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