btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
