All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
cat food counts as protein by the way
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
