I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
