I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
