And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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