I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
