I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
