is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
