While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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