Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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