I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
