I just pynch a tree in the face
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
