she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize