I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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