Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
