You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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