I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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