im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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