It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
