shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
a search helicopter?!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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