the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
