i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
