Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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