have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
