At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
