he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
