I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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