If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
