so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
