the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
