You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
