i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
