Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
