I'm eating all of the evidence.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
