I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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