I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
