just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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