after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
