dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
