Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
