That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize