Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
