ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize