It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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