I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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