why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
