the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
