I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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