we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
