They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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