Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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