how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
