When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i drank out of a bidet.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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