Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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